Tonight, I came down to the coffee shop to write a post for my blog...which I felt quite un-enthused about. I couldn't think of anything to write about, I felt tired (well, I still feel tired as I'm writing this), and it felt like I couldn't get anything to slow down- my body was moving fast, and so was my mind. I had to purposely stop myself from multi-tasking, just so I could slow down for a minute to enjoy the moment that I was breathing in...and as soon as I did that, it happened. Tears.
My eyes started welling up with tears, and just as the first one was about to roll down my face, a cute little couple sat across from me. With this couple sitting across from me, I tried to hold the tears back- looking up into the sky, thinking about unicorns and rainbows, stuffing my face with a bagel... but noooo...the tears were not falling for my tricks. They were coming whether I was ready or not! So, I did the only thing I could do. I sat in the middle of the coffee shop, and I let the tears roll. Yep, I just sat and cried in the coffee shop. And when I was done crying, all of a sudden, I could think. And I was still tired, but I felt a little more motivated to write. And my body, and my mind had finally slowed down. It was like a release of sorts.
In being so "on-the-go", I don''t think I have really had the time to just sit and think and reflect on what I have gained and what I have lost. I have embraced the gains by diving in head first, but I have neglected the losses, burying them under the gains. So, tonight... I allowed myself to feel. And for those of you who know me well, you know that I don't cry or show very much "extreme" emotion in public...but tonight, I allowed that to happen, and it was okay. No one stared at me. No one awkwardly looked away. The world didn't stop, and neither did I. And I didn't feel weird... or wrong. I felt human. I felt...peace.
"the year of letting go, of understanding loss. grace. of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. the year of humanity/humility. when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. everyone i’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. the year i broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. the year i learnt small talk. and how to smile at strangers. the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. the year of sugar, everywhere. softness. sweetness. honey honey. the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. the year i made peace and love, right here."